What the bleedin' 'ell is a Pokermon?
by ReddPaperrWhitee
Summary: Ash Ketchum is just about to take his first step into the world of Pokemon - there's just one catch. On the day before his adventure begins, OC Stacey Bilgings, an English...well...chav, unwillingly takes his place. Only rated M for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

_So this is my first story, so I'd reaaaally appreciate it you rate and review. Sorry about the caps lock in this chapter, but I can't imagine the majority of the dialogue here in lower case__._

_Thanks for reading__. \o/  
_

_RedPaperWhite._

* * *

Chapter One – A new beginning

It was a beautiful morning in Pallet Town; the sun was just creeping over the trees, painting the grass orange with a warm glow...  
Ash Ketchum was just beginning to stir in his be...Okay, that's definitely not Ash Ketchum.  
'MUUUUM!' yelled a gruff female voice. 'MUUUUM, WHATHAFUCK AH YOU PLAYIN' AT?' 

19 year old Stacey Bilgings was sitting up in what seemed to be a small boy's bed. A large zoomed in picture of some unknown cartoon was plastered onto the duvet covers.

'Ash?' replied a high voice from the kitchen, 'Ash honey, what is it?'  
Stacey slapped her hand to her forehead and slumped back against the bed, drenched in sweat, 'MUM AH'VE GOT THE MOST BANGIN' 'EADACHE! WHA' AH YOU PLAYIN' AT?'  
She at once turned over, shoving her face into the nylon pillow, hearing fast light footsteps coming up the stairs.  
An attractive young woman with long brown hair peered into the room, and said,  
'Ash, honey, what's the matter?'  
Stacey turned over in the bed and shot upright, and stared at the woman with unfocused eyes, her head throbbing. 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?' Screamed Stacey. 'WHATHA FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?'  
Delia Ketchum gazed back at Stacey pitifully. She tiptoed quickly over to her and put her hand on the girl's shoulder.  
'Ash, it was just a bad dream!' A smile widened on her face, 'Now don't tell me you've forgotten about what today is!'

Stacey groaned and ran her hands through her greasy blonde highlighted hair. 'I am NOT having this!' she yelled at Delia, 'I am NOT FUCKING HAVING THIS!' she practically jumped out of bed despite her hangover weighing her down; she was already wearing her vomit-stained clubbing clothes from the night before.  
She stomped down the stairs in spite of her high-heeled shoes snapping beneath her, and stormed out into the garden, grabbing any surface along the way, like a three year old who couldn't quite walk yet.  
The sun was gleaming down into Delia Ketchum's back yard. Shiny tomatoes, carrots and beans decorated the edges of the white picket fence.  
'I hate the sun!' moaned Stacey, 'I HATE the fucking sun!' she said louder, shielding her aching eyes from its glare.  
Delia Ketchum walked up behind her slowly, and whispered, giggling, 'Ash, today's the day that you choose your first Pokémon!'  
'Where the fuck am I, you skank? Where's my mum?' Stacey Paused for a second. 'And can I have some FUCKING ORANGE JUICE AND A PARACETAMOL?'  
Delia flinched at the words as if a fly was buzzing around her face.  
'Sure, honey, I'll go get some!'  
Delia walked away into the house, turning around for a second, 'Pancakes are on the table!' she walked further into the house, opening the blinds along the way.  
Stacey waited until she was out of sight, and jumped over the white fence. One of the pickets smashed as her foot made contact, and Stacey toppled backwards.  
'FOOOOK!' she yelped.

The remaining heels of her shoes had torn into the wood, and her legs were splayed beneath her, as if she was doing the limbo. She stood up suddenly, regretting it as blood pounded through her head.

The shoes lay in tatters, as did the fence. They were pretty expensive, actually, but they belonged to 'that bitch Sarah', so it was her 'fucking loss'.  
Stacey dove back inside to rummage around for some shoes, looking up every couple seconds to make sure that the weird woman who called her 'Ash' wasn't on her way back any time soon.  
She grabbed a pair of white trainers which was by the door. They were brand new, and there was a note attached, written in swooping handwriting,

'_Dear my little hero!!!!  
Good luck on your Pokémon Quest! I thought you might like these for the journey! Don't forget to call every Friday like we promised!  
Love you!  
Mom'_

Stacey sneered at the letter, giving it a look similar to a vegetarian looking at a hamburger.

_'PS'_, the note continued, _'Press B to run!'_

'What the fuck is this bitch _on_?'

Stacey ripped off the label and note with a small snap, and began to force her feet into the shoes, stretching them beyond their limits. They were far too small, but she was too hung-over to notice.  
Glancing back at the quaint house as she trampled over the broken fence, Stacey's face contorted for a second, and she proceeded to vomit over the vegetable patch for good measure. Feeling better, Stacey wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, scraped back her hair and dragged it into a tight ponytail with an elastic band. She walked away clumsily, not looking back. An old woman on a bicycle trundled past, ringing her bell. She frowned at Stacey, who gave her 'the finger'. 

* * *

_First Chapter finished! I know it was short, but it was really more of an introduction. I hope you enjoyed it – please don't forget to rate and review, or I'll get discouraged and never write anything again~_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - A New Friend

Stacey wasn't too far from Delia's house when she heard a bike breaking behind her. She turned around groggily to see an old man wearing a white coat smiling at her.  
'Hello!' he began. Stacey picked up the pace a little. 'How are you?' he continued, still smiling. Stacey walked even faster, but the old man didn't back away.  
'Are you a boy or a girl?' he asked. Stacey fumbled in her pockets for a second and then whipped out a small aerosol can of pepper spray. Clamping down on the nozzle, she aimed it at the old man. 'ARGH!' he screamed, clutching at his eyes. He stopped steering momentarily and toppled over the handlebar, before crumpling in on himself with his leg caught in the bike.  
Stacey kicked him hard on the stomach and he coiled up on the ground.  
'RAPE!' she screamed. 'HELP, OH MY GOD RAPE, SOMEONE!' she continued kicking the old man. 'Porygon!' he yelped as she kicked him. 'Blastoise!' he said after a particularly hard blow.  
Stacey stopped for a second, intrigued, and then she began kicking his chest in quick succession, 'Electrode! Diglett! Nidoran! Mankey! Venusaur! Ratatta!' he shouted.  
Stacey paused again, and asked sternly, 'Are you alright?'  
The old man jumped up suddenly and hopped on his bike. 'Fit as a Fearow!' he laughed. 'Shall we be off?'  
'Alright then. S'not like I have anything better to do.' Stacey pulled her skirt out of the back of her underwear and walked off with the old man, who seemed to have completely recovered from the beating.

When they arrived, the old man got off his bike and lead Stacey to a large building, where scientists could be seen rushing around inside.

'Hello, Professor.' said one man  
'Professor?' asked Stacey, 'Since when were you a Professor?'  
'Why, I've _always_ been a Professor!' he replied, 'Professor Oak! And now, Ash, it's time to choose your first ever Pokémon!'  
"What the bleedin' 'ell is a Pokermon?" Stacey asked, glaring around the laboratory with distaste. "Is it some new kinda crack or summit? And stop calling me Ash or I'll kick your fucking 'ead in."

Professor Oak ignored her and walked briskly to his desk.  
'Now!' he began. 'As you must already know, you came very late this morning, and I'm afraid all of the other Pokémon have been taken!'  
Stacey looked at him blankly.  
'I'm afraid your only option is...well...it's not really an option...but,'

"Alright then, cool, I'll be off then, yeah?" Stacey interrupted, and she walked out of the lab.  
Ten minutes later, Stacey found herself wandering around a forest, not really knowing what she was doing or where she was. She scuttled over to a bush, tore off her skirt, and urinated onto the grass. "Thats the stuff", she muttered, as she squeezed her clothes back on. She turned around suddenly, stood up, and felt a sharp pain on the top of her head. 'AH SHIT' she screamed. She looked up, and there, hanging from a branch on a thread, was a Weedle.  
"ARGH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" she screamed. "AAARRGH."  
She soon realised that no one could hear her, so she shrugged, grabbed the insect and sat down in the bush she'd just urinated in.  
The Weedle was pretty average for a Weedle. Brown, with a red nose and a sharp stinger on his forehead. Oh yeah, and he was 'pretty fucking enormous'.

Stacey looked at the stinger which had just punctured her scalp, and then eyed the creature up and down. 'This is...incredible!' she whispered. The Weedle gazed at her, eyes shining. "My 'angover's gone!"  
She cradled the Weedle as if it was a baby. And it lay there happily.  
"I'ma call you Princess Aqua!" Stacey beamed proudly. "I'll never have a hangover again!" she shouted, "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"  
After stabbing herself repeatedly with Princess Aqua's head, she marched off, the Weedle following her faithfully.

* * *

_So that's the second chapter finished, again, it's pretty short, and I know it's not a great chapter, but I'm still just setting up the story. I'll be getting other characters involved later, such as Misty and Brock, and they'll all be in character, they'll just be met in slightly different scenarios 8D_  
_Stacey and Princess Aqua will meet Misty in the next chapter, so long as someone reviews - if no one does, I may just give up D8_  
_So please review or I will cry._  
_Kthnxbye_

_RedPaperWhite_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – A new bike...

Eventually, Professor Oak managed to catch up to Stacey on his bike. He'd shouted for her attention for a while in advance, but her ears were too swollen up from Princess Aqua's poison for her to hear. "Ash!" he wheezed. "I forgot to give you these!" Stacey turned around, and Oak wet himself a little. He's old, you can't blame him. Stacey's eyelids were flabby, and her lips took up half of her engorged face. She looked like a cross between Angelina Jolie and a pumpkin.  
"PROFFESSAH!" she screamed. "INNIT AMAAAZING?"  
"Ash," he asked sternly, "Would you happen to have any allergies?"  
Stacey ignored him, and continued shouting, "It's like it's taken ten years off me or something even though that would mean I'd be like nine or something, I mean look, all my smile line's are gone and everything!"  
Professor Oak spotted Princess Aqua, cowering at her feet.  
"Ash," he added, "That Weedle, did it sting you?"  
Stacey punched him hard in the face, causing him to shout "GEODUDE" in a gruff voice. "Don't you talk about my mum like that, you ARSE!"  
"I didn't say an-" Stacey punched him again. "WIGGLYTUFF!" he squealed, clutching his nose.  
"Oh wait, are you talking about Princess Aqua?" she asked.  
"Princess...? ...Yes, yes I am." Professor Oak stood up straight, and handed over a small bag of Pokéballs.  
"Here," he offered. "You'll need these". Stacey snatched the bag from him. "These are Pokéballs," he said breathlessly, "All you need do is throw one at a wild Pokémon, and if it has been weakened enough, it will be caught!"  
Stacey took out one of the Pokéballs, and then looked at Professor Oak, and then back at the Pokéballs. Suddenly, her arm went back, and she threw the Pokéball at Professor Oak. It collided with his head with a crack.  
"BLASTOISE!" he roared.  
"YOU SAID IT WOULD WORK YOU TWAT!"  
Stacey picked up Princess Aqua and the Pokéball, kicked Professor Oak in the stomach, and rampaged down the path to Viridian City.

About half a mile along, Stacey spotted her first Spearow.  
"Princess, look!" she whispered, "It's some fucking enormous angry pigeon!"  
Princess Aqua wiggled, and then rolled on the ground.  
Stacey sneaked up behind the Spearow quietly, crawling in the grass. Willing to try the Pokéball out one last time, she rose up quietly, raised her arm, then gave up and kicked the Spearow instead.  
It kicked off from the ground, squawking, while trying to nip at Stacey's swollen face.  
"YOU BITCH!" she screamed, slapping the Spearow across the face.

It continued to attack her however, but Stacey wasn't backing down – not until she saw the huge mass of enraged other Spearow swarming above her.  
"Oh fuck! Leg it, Princess!"  
And so they did.

Five minutes of restless running later, and whatever Princess Aqua was doing, they were cornered by the flock of Spearow at the edge of a waterfall.  
"That was NOT there five minutes ago." Stacey yelled.  
The Spearow began their attack, one of them swooped down, aiming for the Weedle.  
"ZOMG PRINCESS DO SOMETHING!"  
Princess Aqua jumped on the Spearow and then both of them fell over.  
"NICE ONE!" she screamed in a rather manly voice.  
Realising there wasn't much else they could do, Stacey scooped up Princess Aqua in one arm and jumped backwards down the waterfall, giving the Spearows the finger.

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING SHANK YOUUUUU!" she screamed, thinking she looked quite cool.

She regained consciousness five seconds later, a girl with red hair and short-shorts was glaring at her angrily, her bike was propped against a tree by the river.  
"Are y-" Stacey punched her hard in the nose. She fell backwards and slipped into the river.  
Stacey kicked her feet into the pedals of the girl's bike, and cycled away. 

* * *

_So just in case you didn't get the reference, that was Misty back there, we'll be seeing more of her later, but in true Pokémon tradition, we don't find anything about her yet.  
I hope you liked this chapter, if anyone's reading at all anyway \o/  
I'd kind of like to know if anyone did though._

RedPaperWhite  



End file.
